Parenting Teens
Parents often come to me at a loss at how they can connect with their teen. Maybe you’re one of those parents and you don’t know how to get your teen to open up to you, or no matter what you say they shut down and shut you out. If this is you, don’t beat yourself up. The teen years are characterized by a desire for independence and are all about your teen learning to differentiate themselves from you and to figure out who they are apart from you. Remember those toddler years? It’s actually pretty similar (lots of emotion, tons of brain development going on, and a very strong desire for independence). After counseling teens for almost a decade now I’ve been taking mental note on what teens are desiring from their parents and what really works to get them to open up and confide in you. I would love to help you improve communication with your teen and ultimately strengthen your relationship with them!
Teens are no different than adults. They want to be understood and heard and validated. Before you can give advice or share your personal experiences, you must first listen to understand. Listen for two things: what are they feeling and why is this important to them? If you can’t quite figure it out, you could try asking them, “you must be feeling pretty sad about what happened with your friend,” or, “that’s super disappointing and I know you tried really hard to get an A on that paper.” You’re validating the emotion and trying to reflect back why your teen is feeling so strongly about what is upsetting them. Remember, this comes before advice, before correction, before words of wisdom, before encouragement….before anything. Once you do this, you’ll notice some of those walls coming down and your teen will slowly start to confide in you more and tell you more about what he or she is feeling.
How to talk to teenage daughter
There’s also one question that teens don’t like to be asked. “Why?” For example, “Why did that happen? Why did you do that? Why do you feel that way?” These why questions often put them on the defensive and can sometimes be immediate barriers to vulnerability and connection building. I suggest you try to stick with “What” questions. For example, “What happened that made you feel that way? What do you think you might want to do about this going forward?”
Another important thing to consider in getting your teen to open up to you is the location of the conversation. It always makes me laugh when parents come back into my office with their teen and say that their teen finally opened up when they took their teen out to eat or out to get coffee or ice cream. For some reason teens are more relaxed when enjoying their favorite beverage or dessert. (Again, they really are no different than us are they)?
Lake Mary, Florida family counseling
I just wanted to share just a little bit of what I have learned firsthand from counseling teen girls. I want nothing more for you than to build intimacy and connection with your teen. If you found this helpful and would like additional tools to improve communication with your teen or ways you can support their mental health, I would love to help support you in this! Parenting is tough, parenting teens is a whole other level of hard. And unfortunately, parenting teens did not come with a manual. Show yourself some grace and please know there’s help for YOU and your teen!
