“I knew infertility could happen but I never saw it coming.”

In our modern world, most people think that getting pregnant is easy. And for some it is, but for others it is anything but easy. It feels as if the stars literally have to align for those two lines to finally appear on a pregnancy test. Studies suggest that about 7-9% of couples are experiencing infertility. For those 7-9% it can feel like the loneliest place to be. I am a part of that 7-9% population who was diagnosed with infertility. When the doctor told me that I had less than 5% chance of getting pregnant and a 3% chance of fertility treatments such as IVF working for me, I remember feeling as if the wind had been knocked out of me and that maybe somehow it was all just a bad dream. Unfortunately, it was very much real, and the doctor proceeded to hand me a pamphlet on IVF and donor eggs and urged me to start immediately if I wanted any possibility of success.

Infertility (defined by the World Health Organization as not being able to get pregnant after one year of trying) brings with it psychological and emotional distress. It is well established in the research on infertility that it is an inherently stressful experience that creates great emotional distress in the individual and couple the longer it goes on. Those that have gotten the diagnosis know this to be true. I knew this to be true. I didn’t leave the fertility clinic that day when I received my diagnosis and prognosis the same person I was when I walked in.

It’s normal to process infertility different than your partner

Men and women will experience infertility differently in both the way they feel and the way they cope. Most studies indicate that women experience greater infertility stress, reporting more symptoms of anxiety and depression than men. Men also experience infertility stress, but with less emotional affect and become more affected by the emotional distress it has on their partner. (They would do anything to not see us in pain and they wish so much they could take this pain from you). Women who are going through infertility are prone to have negative feelings surrounding self-esteem, self-image, and body-image. As a result, feeling a deep sense of shame, frustration or even anger at your body for not doing “what it supposed to do.” Feelings of grief and loss, isolation, and loneliness are also very common. Infertility can also have a powerful effect on a couple’s sexual relationship, not only due to the repeated, time-sensitive, performance demands of procreation, but also because of the differences in the ways men and women cope (Covington).

As someone who also went through infertility…please know you’re not alone

Infertility should not be walked through alone. Because it is often not spoken about and is something that many can not relate to, I encourage women and couples going through it to talk to someone who empathizes and who can help support you through the many layers of grief and loss that come with it. If I had to sit across from another infertility warrior and tell her one thing? “What you are going through and what you have been through is painful and is so unfair. This diagnosis does not define you, and you are not broken. I’m here to tell you that you do not have to walk through this alone.”